ohhh man i need to go to bed RIGHT now.
but news!
i am sunburned, but have resolved to get more sun before it disappears and i am once again privy to the wonders of working in a northeast winter. i have both my credit cards down to almost the same amount, and have figured i can have them both paid off by the new year. im 12 turn-ins away from my winterspring mount (which approximates to about 12 hours, give or take..); i'm going to try to get it before my account freezes on sept 1st. im going to get TP to play when he gets his new computer, if only for the zevhera mount :3. i cant wait to go to ikea this weekend and get my bookshelf. i am exhausted but had a fabulouso time this weekend.
i guess thats it. time to go pass out.
okay guys. seriously. y'all need to throw me a bone here. kim! kinley! ashley! whatre you doing in your LIVES over there! what is up! what are your hopes, dreams, fears, inhibitions, what did you eat yesterday! i miss you guys get the hell on here!
jessie, thank goodness for you or i wouldnt know what to do with myself :< !
so news? ive decided to try to throw myself into working out. im trying to not eat constantly (i was STARVING on the bus ride home, cause all i ate all day was a thing of poptarts for bfast, a thing of chips and hummas, a thing of peanut butter crackers and my salami sandwich. okay that sounds like a lot, but honestly it wasnt haha), trying to cut out sweets and as many carbs and i can manage (i love carbs....), and im going to get way more serious in working out every day. i can already see some serious changes, but im just so...squishy everywhere. like theres just too much to me, this layer of fat underneath my skin is just so....gross. i also wouldnt mind if my boobs got smaller; i really want to eventually get down to that sort of skinny, androgynous look of skinny colored jeans and tshirts with a cool haircut. boobs completly ruin the canvas that is the chest for displaying cool tshirts. shirts with boobs under them are always about the boobs, no matter what you do. so obnoxious.
also, i dunno why because we just came from florida, but i get really sweaty/greasy really fast. and ive been breaking out, despite using blackhead scrub like, every day. i duno what my damage is, but honestly by the end of every day i feel kind of like a sick rat or something. a fat sick rat.
i also constantly need projects. i keep buying furniture for my room because i love putting it together. i think i might start sewing, just to give me something to do. i hate sitting down at the end of a day and not knowing what to do with myself. i froze my wow account, but i think i have until like the first of sept before it shuts off, so my goal is to get my winterspring frostsaber mount before that. then whenever i decide to come back im moving my character off of jaednar onto mannoroth and im gonna get TP to play, and steve has a hardcore char on there, so that should be cool. but really, grinding 21,000 rep at 850 turn in every hour or so gets really...boring. in all i think it takes like 41,000 rep to get it, but im at 8000/21000 to exaulted, so im over halfway there 8). im so obsessed with mounts; when taylor plays im gonna make him play long enough to get that zhevra mount too. BWAHAHAH. my goals in that game are completely fux0red!
oh, i also had this crazy dream last night. you know when you have dreams, where when you wake up you know that the way you felt in that dream, is exactly the way you would feel in real life? for example, i had a flying dream once, and i honestly think i know what it would feel like to have that superhero ability to fly, and how it would physically make me feel. anyways, last night i had this super indepth war-dream, and it was pretty scary. that feeling of not knowing when to move because you never know whos looking in just your way. sneaking around, stealing guns off dead bodies, threatening people to get out of tight situations, even killing the 'faceless enemy' from a few not so faceless feet away. it was intense, and i woke up at like 3:30am completely awake (and starving, ugghh) and rolled around fitfully until i finally passed out. so weird, usually im so tired when i go to bed i dont dream, so who knows wtf happened last night.
alright, speaking of bed..time for it 8)
i dont think ive really updated in a while? i guess the days/weeks just sort of blur together, defined only by weekends and paydays.
i had some really super awkward hang outs last weekend. mostly it was because theres a guy at work totally crushing on me (and totally 30), who would not have a chance. i got invited by another friend from work to go see batman imax (WHICH was awesome, except i had to pee like a bitch starting about 20 miuntes in but i was really high and didnt want to get up and ruin everything for everyone, so i just suffered/punished my bladder :<) with a group of people, said guy a part of, but i figured it wasnt dangerous cause it was a group. yeah, nice plan, until everyone pulls out except those two guys, the one guy's girlfriend, and me. woah, sneak attack double date. after eating pot brownies and smoking. and the guy spent the whole night complaining to me about the fact that the other guy brought his gf really loudly and generally making me feel awkward. the worst comes at 3am when im trying to mentally prep myself for the trip to brooklyn to stay at megans (scratch that: hope i can wake her up to let me in (i already asked but she lseeps like a rock)), and he offers me to stay at his place. of course sirens are going off, but my inner-jew came out and i decided the taxi wasnt worth it, and if he got nonsensical i would just have to make things awkward and be like 'nice try but no'. thankfully he wasnt a sketchball, but either way i was so glad when we parted ways. some people are just not fun to hang out with one on one. especially when you can totally see them eyeing you like a piece of meat while you talk. gross. and i work with all these people! AHH!
so the next day i hung out with jason bennett, which was fun, we went to see hellboy also after eating some brownies, and then he got really weird (i think he was seeing this as a potential 'can i hit this' hang out) and, hilariously, kind of drew-like. you know, only answers your questions, never turns the conversation back to you, until you literally run out of things to talk about and have to resort to sitting next to each other in silence. good thing im good at reading/neutralizing situations like that, so it wasnt overly awkward, but thank goodness for the movie.
anyways, i just hope that if i hang out with them a few other times, theyll get the message. theyre good guys, i do like hanging out with them, just not with that extra glint in their eyes. they need to get over themselves. and they both know i have a boyfriend just a couple hours away!! it should be no problem. oh well, eventually theyll understand we can be badass friends but theyll never stick it.
everything else has been kind of eh, not really worth talking about. im getting a lot of kudos at work, which makes me feel pretty good, starting to become better friends with the gang there. i finished the new twilight book, and was sorely dissappointed -- what was she thinkign??? the first one did so well because all those 15 year olds could put themselves in her place, could be the ones with the perfect beau. NOBODY that reads it can identify with some (spoilers!!) baby-crazed bitch. nobody wants to! my side project is re-writing them; im going to try to start up a book of my own, and i figure thisll give me some practice, learning to find the right words to show the right image, the right feeling. we'll see how it goes.
working out is going pretty well; im 130 lbs when i went to the dr, but i think thats muscle (i have a quad muscle i can see! i dont think thats ever existed before), and i can already SEE an improvement. my goal is to be one of those skinny fucking new york bitches before i leave home, but we'll see. id like to run a marathon or something. i just dont want all this fucking loose skin, and im fucking tired of my thighs rubbing together. ill make it happen, all in good time 8).
i froze my wow account until taylor gets his computer built, then im making him play 2 months so i can get that zevhra mount, because im a mount collector and a nerd. hahaha. im going to get an xbox and start to get better at halo, so i can beat the shit out of all my guy friends at work. my birthday is in a month, and ill be 22. thats kind of ridiculous.
okay time for bed.
lately i just feel...like i have nothing to say? im sitting here and i dont know what to do, so i think i might just go to bed. heavens knows ill need it; tomorrow after work a bunch of us are eating some brownies, fucking around until a 1230 imax showing of batman, whense ill need to pass out on someones couch, and the next day im gonna hang out with jason bennett and eat more brownies and go to hellboy or a museum or something.
and yesterday i didnt get out of work until 1am haha im going to be WRECKED come sunday night......
okay this was boring, i should only post these kinds of entries on my LJ because VOX is for good chunks of 'heres my life'. sorry guys :\.
oh i also heard the first few chapters of breaking dawn were scanned and some weird shit happens, but i will still buy it, and still read it. i mean cmon plz.
well i got home from albany around 5, put up my curtains (?? dont ask me; when im in my house for longer than an hour without a 'project' i get all antsy..), but my computer wouldnt connect to the internet...so i cleaned up my room, brought some books upstairs (next on my list: bookshelf/dvd shelf), put all my laundries away, and.....proceeded to not know what to do with myself. its such a horrible feeling, knowing that the internet controls my life so.
eventually it popped back up, so im checkin up on some things, and then...im not sure. i dont have any books to read, i have freelance to work on but im ignoring it for the time being. harumph.
albany was a lot of fun; i didnt get in until like, 10:30, and taylor got home from work @ the same time, so we both basically smoked, and fell asleep by like 12:30. woke up at 11, went to a headshop and got matching bongs (ADORABLE! my next project is making a lockable box to keep it in :>), grocery shopping for dinner, then went home and chilled out, i think we popped in a movie, made dinner, hung....went out to get batman begins, and then i fell asleep at 10, him soon after. woke up at 9 today, smoked and ate some breakfast, then went on a walk for a bit, got home and i showered and then rolled out. it always goes so fast, but its nice to be in someone's apartment. i'm so happy i have the opportunity to live at home and work, so i can save some money, get out of debt, and be able to afford some pretty badass things i wouldnt be able to with rent, but psychologically it really messes with you. not in the way that my family is too much (theyre parfait!), but just the sense of having your 'own' space for so long, and now being a part of someone else's space. ehh, i dunno.
i cant believe its already 830....im yawning like a fool and everything. time to pop in a movie and re-lax 8).
hmm. according to my phone (im practically allergic to the computer when im not at work/reading from my phone..) i got a facebook message this afternoon from randy, apologising again for how PUSH messed with me, and straight-up offering me the jr art director position. i'm going to have to turn it down -- alas -- but i think im going to tell him that im just trying to take advantage of living at home for a bit, learning some tricks of the trade, and am not planning on staying more than a year, and id love to stay in contact, compare personal work, and hope that in a year ill be even better than i am now. thats not too pompous is it? is this what they call..networking?
in other news i got the other two twilight books in the mail, finished the first one this morning, and am about halfway through the third. the last one came with iron-ons..'team edward' and 'team jacob', and let me just say....as much as i like werewolves, edward makes my southern-belle heart go all pitter-patter. le sigh.
so i just read 'twilight' in a day (a workday no less, haha), and to be honest........i dont think it was that bad. okay, as a book, it was poorly written, the characters predictable, the language repetitive (almost to exact sentances, sheesh..) and the main 'climax' didnt even get my blood pumping (though, maybe thats just because i knew i held another quarter of an inch of pages beyond, so how CAN you kill of the main character..). but the bones of it? the skeleton, the fairy tale-ness of it had me. i couldnt stop reading it, couldnt get enough of edward. to not be special, and be singled out not only by someone you love passionately, but who themselves is special in their own way, a way you otherwise may never have even known about.
im obsessed with chivalry. knights and ladies, honor, duty, passion. its the reason i roll hunters on wow; the idea of having a companion who is inexplicably yours, able to read your mind with a quick look. obsessed too with things not yet proven farse; werewolves, vampires, mermaids, hellboy. in my daydreams i am there, among the inner sanctum, gloriously aware, included, separated from the rest to exist with the few. the feeling she gets, when edward leaves her, pains my heart, because its not real, because no one that perfect exists.
and then part of me wonders if anyone will make me feel like that, today, in our world of online shopping, hour lunchbreaks, white picket fences and disappearing forests. nothing will ever be as simple as living to simply love someone. it was no literary feat. i never cried, never heard my heart beat in my ears, but in the end as they danced, i was at my prom, hand in hand with someone that made the whole occasion so absurd in light of what we shared.
nothing more, nothing less, but it was a nice way to spend my day.
i have the most psycho dreams possible. i cant even describe, but last night was all of these world of warcraft-related dreams, only it was like real life questing, but when i died i could se myself? and it was taking place in like..pennsylvania. WEIRD.
omg everyone has posted like hell recently hooray! things to read!
okay i wrote out this whole entry, but sometimes you just need to get things out infront of you, so you can truly nitpick what you think and assure yourself youre not completely mental.
i think i feel really unsettled. everything in my life right now is halfway. ive just started my job, im in the middle of a (now) long distance relationship. im sort of making friends. im living at home. im paying my medical bills and car insurance and food money to my dad. its like, everything is real, and nothing is, and for a while ive been alright, but tonight for some reason i cant pull myself out of this hole, like i need to sell everything i own and join the peace corps and move to africa. or request a job change to london. like i need to shake everything up to remind myself that great things are possible, that i can always be bigger than where i am and what im doing now.
i guess it all comes down to, we've spent our whole lives working towards something, and now that it is upon me, i cant help but look back through the mist at all the other forks in the road, the darker ones i passed on because they looked too difficult, the ones completely missed, hidden by thickets, or the ones too crowded. you just cant help but wonder. maybe i could have been a doctor.
sometimes, design just seems so easy, and i wonder if i cheated myself by not doing something really challanging; by keeping art close to me, to really allow it to flourish, instead of resting on my laurels at school, pimping myself out to advertising, too exhausted at the end of the day to think about what this all really stands for. and then comes the shock that, i no long have summers to spend learning to ride horses, or traveling to ireland, or learning german. now you have to fit those thrills in after the workday is over. maybe one day it gets easier, to do work after doing work. maybe one day ill be able to stop looking at all of it as work. im trying now, it has seemed to help these last few weeks. but then i feel bad, like im getting comfortable; ive approached my life with the 'making mountains out of molehills' mentality, so that in the end i can't be disappointed by doing far too much. i sometimes hate how black and white-ly i see things, how i plan everything out, judge each day by its hour, each walk by the perspiration on my forehead. i feel cold and calculating, unhuman sometimes, and i guess the easy thing is to blame it on the lifestyle change, but most of me knows that its just me. how do you change how you are? its your greatest weakness and your most attractive trait. do you just learn to balance it out? do you cut it off, burn it down, hide it away, or maybe warn people ahead of time to keep out a watchful eye.
how do you feel like every moment youre not productive isnt a complete waste of time?
oh MAN im freakin out! this is my biggest buy, done in lue of having to pay rent (ahh, the perks of living at home)...holy FAHHCCKK so cool! now tp just needs to get up here with my DVDs so i can really enjoy it 8)....eeeee paychecks are AWESOME!
okay i have no new news...fourth of july! halfday thursday! and hopefully i can go to the early showing of hellboy2 tomorrow with russ (if i can get out of work in time!)!
