L-AIM

its finally starting to sink in that im not going to be friends with that sarasota crew again. its such a lonely feeling too. i just now realized it as i was looking at my buddy list and this huge ringling catgeory is intimidating. the only questions id have to ask would be the typical "what are you up to now? do you have a job? hows work?" its just lame. half of these people (kiem vu) would love to just babble their face off about it, the other half embarrassed or angry about the subject since they still have no offers (ahem, me). i dont even bother being 'available' anymore. a lot of my friends here dont even sign on anymore. its making me sad that my days of IMming might be coming do an end. i mean don't get me wrong, i will still be really close with a lot of you guys. its just going to be harder. and that sucks.

im just not happy right now i guess. all of my friends are out of town, the girls anyway. they went to summerfest in chicago and katie has been up there with drew, her aussie friend. some of the boys are still here, but they dont do anything during the week unless one of the girls plans it, and im just not ambitious enough to plan another night-swimming session like back in high school.

basically, the refreshing-summer-out-of-school-aspect of my hometown has worn out. champaign just feels kinda lonely lately. the only people ive seen in the past few days have just been seth, my sister, her friend, jess, and then a select few of my guy friends. also, i just finished reading MIDDLESEX @ Seths (he also wrote Virgin Suicides) which was actually a really good, but also a really weird book. it kind of put me in a sour mood now that i think about it. that and the fact that i was really comfortable but had to come home to stay with my sister since my parents are still gone.

i did talk to my mom today and i found it kinda weird that she was planning on getting a ticket to come home and go to meetings and to my uncles party, but that she wasn't telling my dad? hes a pilot for chrissakes. i think this is another classic case of him being upset that we arent in love with going to the Ozarks as much as he is. oh well. regardless, itll be nice to have her back.

i think im just in a state of not knowing what to do. and the more ive been thinking about it the more ive really been hesitating to try and get a job in chicago. i dont know what i want. its all scaring me. moving far away is sounding good, but i know as soon as i do that.. i'll regret it and miss my friends and family all over again. im going to miss my sister growing up more than she already has, of course she'll be off to college in a couple years anyway. usually im just so good at pinpointing what it is what will make me happy and i do it. either that or, i let fate decide and trust that it will all be good. but now its me CHOOSING and i dont like it for once. argh, i think about this crap way too much, i just need to DO IT.